My Life IS a Nut Shell

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead…. Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken. Don’t close your eyes.. This is your life, are you who you want to be?

I’ve been pondering that question lately… leave it up to jon foreman to wake you up to the reality you’ve been living in. Life goes by so quickly… it’s hard for me to say everything I want to say… I’ve fallen prey to the trap of high school. Surrounded by these people… these things… all of it is just overwhelming sometimes… then I hear that song telling me that this is MY life, and I can’t help but really thinking: Am I who I want to be? In 20 years, do I want to look back on my life and say, this is who I am. This is me? What do I have to be proud of? What do I have to show for all my years, trying to be the “it” girl? Trying to be what every single person wants, and at the same time…losing sight of who I was meant to be. It’s a hard thing to do… someone once told me, if you chase 2 rabbits then you’ll lose both of them. I have to ask though, what do I do when both rabbits mean something to me? life is never promised. It is never earned. It’s never something to take for granted, because I could die right now. Every night before I go to sleep though, I replay every single mess up I had that day.. Every instance where I could have done something different to get that guys attention, or to make myself look prettier… or to talk to those popular girls… I find myself being drawn towards these shallow things and wonder, Who am I becoming? I never used to care how tan I was, or who I hung out with… I was the girl who didn’t care what you wore, or how skinny you were… now look at me. I think the main problem behind me, is that I’m not proud of the person I’ve become. I have changed… and I don’t like it. I used to be quiet and depressed… I used to be skinny because I didn’t eat. I used to be good at soccer because I played on a crappy team… I used to be everything I wanted to be and I had a great relationship with God. But then I changed and began to care what others thought even more… I just wish things could go back in time to 8 or 9th grade… I want to weigh less that 137 pounds and not look like a cow.. I want to be smart and good at school… I want to do so many things but I don’t even know where to begin… I want to get back on track with my relationship with God… I want to not care what others did or thought… I just want to go back to not being happy. I’m used to that. But being happy now, just freaks me out…. I can’t handle it. And the thing is… I don’t think it’s necessarily that I’m happy… but more that I’ve learned life is what you make it, and I’ve decided to make it good. I’m not sure… I’m just so confused…

I don’t know if it’s possible to suck at something and still do it as badly as I do when I play soccer… I don’t even know why I still play… at all… really… I’m THAT awful. And it’s not like I’m stupid, I know I suck and that all my team mates think that. It’s not like I’m deaf and can’t hear their laughs or rude comments.. I just wish I could be good at something for once.

Just once.

I’ll have my moments, and people will tell me I did good, and I’ll feel happy… but then I will realize that they are only really patronizing me because I normally suck. SO they are just saying that I am better than I used to be, but I still am pretty bad. I should just stop. I don’t think I’m going to play next year at all.

Dad is freaking out about money. I NEED A JOB PRONTO! I have to get a car like now… and I only have about 600 in the bank. I also wanted to go back home for a week or 2 in the summer, and thats like 300 and then I have soccer in the fall for club, which is 400 but I don’t know if all that is possible. I will probably just stay here and be sad the entire summer and not go home. Heaven forbid my mother actually pay something for me… no that’s never going to happen.

I hate this so much I just want to die.

every night before I go back to school after a long break, I cry myself to sleep…

It’s like clockwork…

I wish the clock would stop working.

I’m an idiot! I wasted my entire break NOT doing my work and now I am so stressed out. I have 300 pages to read of crime and punishment by tomorrow! and I have a rough draft on a research paper for english due this friday that I don’t even have an intro to. I am DEAD. I hate myself, this and school.

On the bright side, I saw tyler today. He was going to play softball for his church and I was at my dads game. He came and talked to me for a while and is really nice, but I think he has a girl friend. I don’t want to date, but it would be nice to have a date for prom… : P

reic asked me to go with him but that’s tooooo awkward and stupid. he is really annoying me lately and I can’t get over that he is really not very attractive.

I am so shallow.

And there’s me and you and all of the feelings between us. You said you loved me, that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You said I was the one.
But you never listened when I said I didn’t care.

It was for this reason that my heart held no compassion for you in it. You spouted words of love and affection to me as if I ment the world to you, yet your actions spoke volumes in the opposite direction. As we both know, love without works is dead. Or is it faith… I can never remember.

I do remember how we met though. That I could never forget. Since I know no one will come for me through my window at my left, and that the door to my right will remain closed until I open it, I let myself wander a little into my box of memories stored up in an undisclosed area above my eyes.

With my eyes closed, I can almost taste the autumn air. The wind moving through the auburn trees like a wild fire; the scent of tears and tissues flood back to me. I remember The Aunt. Kneeling beside that rose colored cascet, weeping as if her life depended upon it. I remember The Father. His glasses misty with hidden rivers, stemming from his eyes. And then I remember You. You with hair so brown, with eyes so gray, with skin so supple. You who gazed at Me as if I had a soul, or a heart for that matter, with which to love by. I remember standing in front of you, not knowing  how I had moved there or why, but knowing I had to be near to you right at that moment. You did something then that I had never experienced before: you hugged me. The kind of hug that someone gives before they jump off of a bridge, or the kind you get when you’ve come home from war. In other words, an every day kind of hug. I remember beginning my usual struggle for the bubble you had so easily popped, and then the strangest thing occured… I returned this average hug with one of my own.

I don’t remember how long we stood as one. I hardly remember the events that happen afterwards. All I do remember is an intense feeling of happiness that I didn’t think was possible to have, welling up deep inside of me. The next day, I awoke in your arms. Fully clothed. As innocent as the snow that never comes in Oregon. You were still sleeping, exhausted from the emotions of the previous day probably. I’ve always heard that loosing your mother could be someone painful at first. But, I heard it went away quickly, like a band-aid you have to rip off. I always assumed that was just a rumor though. Your face looked very nice when it was dead-like. I wish I could look so peaceful, but nightmares don’t provide sweet dreams unless you are twisted in the mind. And while I am twisted in the mind, I am not a killer. There was one thing I wished to do before my happiness ended though, because it always does. I untangled myself from your arms, and layed on my stomach with my head on your chest. It was fascinating, listening to a heart beat. For so long I had gone without hearing one, the rythm sounded strange to my ears. After a few minutes, I pushed myself up until my face was directly in front of yours. Your methodical breathing was soothing to me, and I bent in to its source willingly. With my eyes on your closed lids, my lips met yours in a silent celebration of a feeling never felt. I watched as your eyes were unveiled, and the joy I saw in them only intensified my desire. It wasn’t a sexual desire really. But more of a contented feeling of merely being near each other, with our lips to connect us in a tangible way. As I discovered your moist lips, you reciprocated and moved the pace a bit faster. With my battered heart at its maximum capacity, I was nearing the end of my rope. Even as you gently held me so you could rotate our form 180 degrees, I’m assuming so you could be on top of me, my mind was beginning to protest. I had gone past my ability to love, and my body was screaming at me to stop. So after a few minutes of my inward cry, I broke our connection and told you I must go. Though your protests were a bit endearing, they were mostly pathetic. It was here when you professed your love to me, spouting lies and exaggerations as if you actually believed them. And it was then that I informed you I did not care.
So I left. I didn’t even care that your mother had died, or that you found me visiting a cemetary where no one I knew was burried. My heart had been filled, and that was all a person could really ask for in life. I walked, walked, walked and walked. Then, as I gazed out over the bright horizon over the clear Portland water, I gave myself another one of those average hugs. Then, I plunged down to the water and died.

The end.

I hate that people always have to leave.

It’s been a while since i posted anything… things are lookin up in the good ol south. I still miss everyone, but I’m getting used to things here. Grandma just left though, so I’m alone while my parents take her back. I feel really guilty for not going, but I played 5 soccer games in the past 3 days and I’m exhausted. I don’t want to go to school tomorrow. I am going to learn the piano now. I am going to be a leader in my youth group, and i sing with our worship team and am going to do nursery. The pastor said I was a super star ha. But I also am going to look into giving my testimony sometime, because I really feel like God has been wanting me to.

People are coming down to visit my step mom… and reic too. tap and ile are visiting him now actually. No one is visiting me. Not even my sisters. Great.

I found out that I don’t really make an impression on people… like I’m easily replaced.

But I love the hunger games series now! It’s so amazing. Katniss reminds me so much of me it’s uncanny. I miss home and friends though. I really do… but there are nice people here and all. soccer is going well too. I play half the time usually, since another girl plays my position too. so we split it. but in the beginning I sucked, now I’m getting better. we won 4 of our 5 games. I’m tired. so I’m going to go play the piano now and then do my homework and then maybe watch a movie and sleep some.

Bye.

I GET SO FRUSTERATED WHEN MY COMPUTER QUITS ON ME LIKE THAT OH MY GOSH THIS IS SO FREAKING FRUSTERATING I JUST WANT TO SWEAR SO BADLY.

PEOPLE HERE ARE RUDE AND ONE GUY WAS LIKE POINTING TO EVERY GIRL IN FRONT OF ME AND SAYING OH ID ASK HER AND HER AND HER, THEN HE POINTS TO ME AND SAYS OHHHH…. NO THANKS, I’LL PASS.

I WAS SAD.

MY CLASSES ALL HAVE HIGH AND DRUNK PEOPLE IN THEM AND IT’S RIDICULOUSLY FRUSTERATING.

I LISTENED TO SOME GIRL SAY UGH MY TITS ITCH, AND THEN ITCH THEM… IN CLASS. THEN A GUY WAS LIKE I CAN ITCH THEM FOR YOU IF YOU WANT AND I ALMOST THREW UP. THIS SCHOOL IS RIDICULOUS AND HARD AND SOCCER IS GOING TO KILL ME AND I SUCK AT IT.

the end.

First day? COMPLETE. Wow… my head is still spinning… I have swag. According to my psych class. But, soccer already started and I cant join until friday. Friday morning theres a christians thing before school, which I will go to…but turns out the bus comes at 6:35 : P fun. GREAT. gettin up before 5? YES : /

But I am so nervous about the soccer thing…I want to play more than anything.

In youth group today, we talked about how the devil likes to toy with our emotions. Like eve’s emotions were played with by the snake.. but the devil won’t get a hold on me. I have God and he is all I need. The devil likes to make us think that unless we get a 100 on all our report cards, or unless we play sports and are the best at everything… we aren’t worth crap. But on the contrary, God doesn’t care what our grades are. Genesis says that when eve and adam ate the apple, they KNEW they were naked. They had already been naked before, but now they KNEW it. So when I am tempted to do something to fill the void in my heart, and I do… I KNOW then, that what I did was wrong. Lord help me. I give you this soccer team God. I’m going to play for you this time, no one else. And if I make it, I will praise you. If I don’t, I will praise you. Make me into the athlete you want me to be God. To you be the glory.

After church Heather came up to me and told me she was so glad I was here… and that she thinks I can really bring some new things into this youth group. she said she thought I could really do Gods work there… one thing is I sure know they need more music. and better singers… maybe me? haha. But maybe I’ll give one of M.s lessons to them ; ) tell em about hearing from God. or maybe give them my testimony. Maybe this is what God had planned for me… He has such a great plan for my heart and my experiences here. I KNOW it… deep down inside. I do.

He will prosper through me. He will.

Lord help me tomorrow to still be strong with my new classes… its going to be hard to do it again, but with you I can do it. : )

Well folks… Tomorrows my first day at my new school. Can you say scared to death? I probably shouldn’t be with all the changes I’ve already made…But its scary walking into a new school knowing absolutely no one in the middle of a random state. I guess I felt this way with my old school too though and I ended up have some amazing friends there. They actually talk to me more than my friends from church do. Shocker.

But I should get some sleep because even though school starts at 8 here… the bus comes at 6:50. Go figure.

I just realized… I am not special at all.

JUST ONCE. I want to be that girl. The one who is pretty (SKINNY). The one who is smart. The one who is talented musically. or at least something. I wanted to be the one just once.

Just looked at pictures of my old OLD school’s dance… my best friend… well, my former good friend, won the queen. My other friends all have boyfriends and look amazing of course. Some can sing. Some can play guitar. Some are just beautiful. Some are different.

Just got my PSAT scores back today. Looks like I actually WASN’T smart. Sucks I had to pee the whole time and they wouldn’t let me out, so I couldn’t even finish my test cause I was practically jumping in my seat. No one told me I should go to the bathroom before the test. SO, I basically failed at that. Big time. I got a 160. WHEN I WAS A SOPHOMORE I GOT A 162.

Why am I so frikin bad at EVERYTHING?! I just… I just wanted to be good at something. at just one thing. I wanted to be good. My sister’s losing tons of weight in frikin africa on a missions trip and I am getting more and more fat everyday here in the good ol US of A. I just don’t get it. How could I be so… wrong.

I know God made me perfect in His eyes and it shouldn’t matter what the world sees or thinks… but it does.

Why do I have to be stupid and ugly. Why can’t I have ONE. Why do I have to suck at everything. I always thought I was a good singer. But I realize now that I am not really at all. I don’t know how to read music and I am going to completely FAIL my AP english final. F.A.I.L. big time. I’m not prepared at all.

I have almost decided 100% though. I think I’m joining the army and going into psychology at their camp on active duty. They help to pay back my loans and college debt, which I really need. and It’s not like I have anything else here. Plus I’ve always wanted to serve my country, and what better way to get into shape than boot camp? ha. Besides… it’ll give me something worthy to live for besides this drum town of nothingness doing nothing with my life.

and last I checked, you don’t have to be pretty or smart to be in the army.

PERFECT : )